Yes, I hope so. What you describe happening when you stand at your front door is a perfect description of a classic panic attack. I don't know if you are on any meds. Agoraphia is like the least of my diagnoses, so I am on several meds for other things that do really help with calming my panic attacks. Also, I see my psychiatrist weekly, and I really want to go there. I feel reasonably safe in his office. I think the fact that I feel safe in my car, as long as I know exactly where I'm going, makes it easier. And, I don't have to personally go to the edge of the property before getting in my car. So, all of that helps. And, I find that often, once I'm out, after my psych appt, I can go somewhere else more easily--like to the store to pick up a few things, etc. Somewhere I don't have to look at or talk to anyone if I can't.

Without my meds, I don't know how I'd make it through a single day. I still get panic attacks, but now, when they happen, I just go away somewhere inside myself. I sometimes wonder who speaks, who looks at people when I'm gone like that, because it doesn't seem to be me. When this happens, I get back to my car as fast as possible and come straight home and hide under the covers. It's awful when it happens, isn't it?

It was about 2 years ago that my life began to totally fall apart. I haven't been able to work since July, 2005. Before that, I was a nanny and I loved my job and still love "my" children very much. I worked for two families, as one had only school-aged children and the other family had a baby when I began working for them. The first family I worked for I had been with for 13 years. Their youngest, who was 15 months old when I started, was really much like a daughter to me, and I was like a second mother to her. I was so proud of all her accomplishments and went to almost all of her events: gymnastic competitions (she won 2nd at the state level one year!), various school events, family birthday parties, etc. I had done the same with her older brother who is now 20. My little Kaela will be 15 next month and I just can't believe it.

I had thought that NOTHING would keep me away from her graduation from 8th grade. Of course, I was wrong. If it was held outdoors somewhere and I could just stand at the back, I could probably have managed. But, it was held inside a schiil auditorium and I knew there was just no possible way that I could handle it. How do you explain that to a child who can't remember a time when you weren't an important part of her life? You can't. So, I do understand about your grandson's birthday, and I'm sorry.